my birthday..

May 7th was my birthday. A typical monday, nothing speacial. I slept in as usual, until about noon. I woke up to my daughter holding a shoe box. Inside she had gently placed a beaded braclet and a pair of earings she had made out of wire and beads. She was so proud of her efforts and so was I. It feels good to have someone remember your birthday and put some effort into making you feel speacial. Unfortunatley, that was the only present or recognition I got that day. I went through my day sad and depressed until God tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me that I had already been given the best gift that anyone could get. I am a chosen daughter of God, precious in his eyes. What more could a girl ask for? my Heavenly Father loves me so much that he gave up his son to die for me. WOW, when you really let that reality get ahold of you, it makes you a little weak in the knees. But, this is my reality every year on my birthday. I get sad because it is just like very other day, not speacial at all. Growing up with a drug addicted mother was hard. My bithday and holidays were the one time that she always managed to pull her self together long enough to show me I was important. I always had presents and cake and all the fuss, even if she had to sell her drugs to pull it off. How do you get rid of that connection in your heart? that thing that runs so deep that says if nobody got you anything or gave you cake then , they dont care and you are not important. I have tried for years to rationalize it out of my belief system, it hasnt worked. I have prayed for God to take it from me, he hasnt. I guess for now I will just have to look for the lesson in the pain and remember that God cares about me and thinks I am very important.